Bakuryuu Newsflash
by BakuryuuTyranno
Summary: The Bakuryu from Bakuryuu Sentai Abaranger produce a newsflash


Bakuryuu Newsflash!

This is Bakuryuu Tyranno and the Bakuryuu Newsflash, and… screw it. It's too early. I'm not reading this. Ptera?

In recent news, the song 'Bakuryuu Mambo II', which is exactly like the old 'Bakuryuu Mambo' song only with a heck of a lot of jokes about Bakuryuu Carnoryuutus, since we despise him, thrown in. It has soared into the top ratings ever since everyone who made a song that got a higher rating was mysteriously eaten. Their homes were found demolished, and there were T-Rex footprints near their house, AND t-Rex teeth were occasionally found embedded into the wall of the homes. We don't know the precise timing but it was just before a certain amount of time when Tyranno was missing a few teeth, which have by now regrown. The Tokyo police force believes it to be the work of that Godzilla creature. Tyranno?

(Thinking: Damn it!)

Er, that's all from me…Kera?

Also, in recent news, a certain Bakuryuu, who is a Triceratops, is on this show, **and is me,** doesn't see why we have to bother with this. But enough about that. Bakuryuu Top Galer was going to be arrested following the claims of some guy who claimed some kind of mollusc was making accusations, but he was saved from court when the judge realised that molluscs can't talk, and sentenced the person who thought he could understand molluscs to an asylum instead. Now, we go to Pachy-, er, Pachykero-

This is Bakuryuu Pachykeroknuckles. Can anyone actually read my name in full and pronounce it? If you can, you may be someone with too much time. That's the results of the latest survey, and as we all know, it's not as if surveys are ever wrong! It's definitely not as if we at the news station ignore what the people in the survey say and invent our own results!

Tyranno, are you awake yet?

I am now, anyway. Not that I particularly want to be. Okay, this story is boring and isn't worth reading… so is this… and this… finally, found something. It seems that in a place called 'Jurassic Pork', a Stegosaurus felt abandoned and built a raft and sailed off the island. Nobody has any idea why this happened, but some people think it's because he was sick to death of a guy named Steven Soilburg making movies about his homeland where everything is stretched out to insane lengths without anything actually happening. Ptera?

This is Bakuryuu Ptera. And now for a demonstration of why arctic Bakuryuu are not at home in other climates.

This is Bakuryuu Carnoryuutus. Help me! This room temperature room is too hot! It's burning, burning me to death! **Burning**!

Bakuryuu Ptera again We hope that was informative to some people. Carnoryuutus volunteered for that when he heard people wanted to know why he once turned Tokyo into an arctic wasteland. One arctic, Carnotaurus-related Bakuryuu was harmed in the making of that scene. We hope you have a better understand of this now, although we ourselves only made that scene because we don't like Carnoryuutus. Kera?

Kera. I recently crushed a bicycle while running down the street. For the person who owned the bike and sent me a threatening letter, I just fell I should say I'm not too interested. Be happy you weren't on the bike when it happened. And stop disrupting my sleep with your phone calls!

Bakuryuu Dimenokodon here. Several people have sent me letters asking how it is to have to sleep in the same place as Kera, and three Bakuryuu whose names I can't even pronounce. Well in answer to your questions, whenever I want to talk to anyone besides Kera it's &$£& irritating!

This is Bakuryuu Parasarokkiru. In other news, the Boukengers have been arrested for shouting out idiotic-yet-perverted phrases such as "Climax Shoot!", "Maximum Penetration!", "Hind Break!" and "Adventure Double Screw!" in the middle of battles. Protecting Japan from giant monsters is one thing, but shouting perverted phrases in another language is something different altogether and people are no longer standing for it. So, is this good or bad? Well, it's good because the perverted phrases are stopping… and it's good because the Boukenger team, along with the Magiranger team and Dekaranger team, are some of the worst Sentai heroes in history.

This is Bakuryuu Top Galer. Another thing that's happened recently is something involving the 'Negative Syndicates". These are groups of people who intend to steal items with various powers and use them to achieve their various goals. We've been asked to broadcast this in our news show, just so they get the message: could you give up now please? By now you should have realised that you never actually win.

This is Bakuryuu Tyranno again/ And now we're supposed to be going to the commercial break. But commercials are stupid. Really, who wants to listen to a bunch of people trying to sell you a bunch of stuff you don't even want? So instead, here's a letter the company that makes Jurassic Park toys sent back to Carnoryuutus.

_To Bakuryuu Carnoryuutus-_

_I don't know what you're thinking, but your use of the 'Jurassic Park special edition thirty-five meter electronic T-Rex' is all wrong. Firstly, it does not bend like **that**. It was not designed to have a hole **there**, and that is why there is not a hole **there**. It was not designed with **that** in mind. The holes for the audio roaring are **supposed** to be very small, and there is electronic stuff **there**._

_Please don't write to us again,_

_Some guy who saw a Velociraptor once._

Top Galer. In other news, a whale landed on the beach. Well it didn't land there because whales can't fly… by which I mean to say, it got there naturally and not because I put it there. After a while, people gave up trying to return it to the ocean, which was interesting to watch for a few minutes, but then they had to close the beach because the whale's corpse began to stink. Some ghost crabs tried to eat it, but they walked through its body. Once enough of the whale's body had decomposed, it was finally light enough for several hundred people to shove it back into the ocean. So if whales would stop randomly devouring oil rigs, cruise liners, and naval submarines, they might not have to die if they get washed up on a beach.

Kera again. That's interesting… well not really interesting, but at least it tells people something they had no interest to begin with. It has also been found out that there's an extreme risk of getting bored to death if you watch 'Gougou Sentai Boukenger' at any time in your life. But right now that's not important. In more positive news, there's only five weeks or so before 'Gougou Sentai Boukenger' ends. Boukenger merchandise can be found everywhere it was originally sold, since nobody has been given any incentive to buy any. It's largely expected that the next team of Sentai heroes, Gekiranger, will be just as bad as the three teams that preceded them.

Ptera. While weird incidents happen on a regular basis, none was weirder than sometime three months ago, when Carnoryuutus tried to build a snow statue of himself. When he launched snow everywhere, he killed several thousand people, and the snow ended up melting a few minutes later anyway because it was too warm. While we have found out Carnoryuutus made the snow appear, nobody discovered this until a few minutes ago, even though they knew he had the power to generate snow since he first appeared.

Tyranno. Speaking of which, 'global warming' does not exist. It's Carnoryuutus and Firenokodon who are responsible for all of it. We've known this for a few years now, but we thought it would be pointless to tell humans because you're always panicking at the first sign of anything unusual happening, and coming up with theories that make no sense.

Bakuryuu Ankylobeirsu. Well this thing nearly ended and the other Bakuryuu somehow managed to stop me from speaking through nearly all of it. We had no choice but to stop Brachio from reporting any news, because his voice was so slow you couldn't actually hear him through the TV set. It just sounded like there was thunder in the background. Anyway, if there's anything odd that's happened in recent times, it was the suddenly appearance of a boat… or was it? Because many people claim to have seen a boat, while others claim not to. Others, who are more well-informed, are aware that this boat was projected onto the ocean as a publicity stunt and could only be seen by certain people. However, the Government wasn't told that so the people who have seen the boat were committed to a mental asylum. If we thought there was something wrong with that, we would have torn it down by now. But as for Carnoryuutus, people misunderstand. It's not that he's and idiot, far from-

(A loud banging sound is head. Brief silence and confusion)

Bakuryuu Ptera again. Hi everyone! Sorry about that… we thought Ankylobeirsu was never going to stop talking, but Tyranno kicked him out of the chair… now Tyranno had kicked him into a wall… I think Tyranno's been watching recordings of too many of Godzilla's battles. Tyranno has kicked him repeatedly, and is now grabbing Amkylobeirsu's tail with his jaws and slamming him into walls. Okay, now Ankylobeirsu is sailing through the air because he just got violently thrown. Now Tyranno is stomping on him… and kicking him… sending him flying again… technical difficulties! Don't change the channel…bear with me on this… bear with me… bear with me... wait, there seems to be some kind of bear with me. I don't know how it got past security, but …. Oh never mind, I just squished it. I think Ankylobeirsu is unconscious now, and anyway, as you can tell, it's kind of chaotic here right now, so this news forecast is over…. Okay, sorry, I forgot the weather. The weather today will generally make people wish they had never been born. And in sports news, everyone is too terrified to play any professional sports ever since Firenokodon went slightly crazy and ate most of the sports teams on Another-Earth. _Now_ the news forecast is over.


End file.
